The craziest things happened to me the other day. First, I was asked some questions about IVF and I did not have the answer. Let me back up and explain. It is not a secret (nor has it ever been!) that Jimmy and I did IVF to have the twins. We tried to get pregnant (on our own) for about 8 months and then proceeded with 1 1/2 years of clomid, IUI, and finally IVF. It was a horrible time to say the least, but the end result was so worth it. Once I got pregnant with the twins, I made it my goal to NEVER be ashamed and to actually talk about it at will.
I think some of that talk was my way of dealing with being "broken". It is also not a secret that I was the one with the problems, to many to list here...the main one being polycystic ovaries that led to it own problems. HAIR!!! We don't even need to go there. Again, not a secret, if you look at me, you can see my problems. Yes I know it there!!! SORRY, not the point of this story. I wanted people to not be ashamed and to have someone to go to. I remembered every detail of the process; the good and the bad, including giving myself shots in the stomach for weeks and Jimmy giving me BIG shots in my butt. I remember him getting very upset because he could not find a spot to put the needle because my butt was so bruised. But we went on and had two BEAUTIFUL, WORTH EVERY PENNY babies!!!
People were always shocked when the question would be answered as follows:
"Do twins run in your family" My responce: "No, we did IVF" People would have one of two answers; Wow! You are so young (I was 24) and I know (so and so) who did IVF. It became my life's mission to spread the word on IVF. I knew all the ins and outs.
And then it happened, someone just asked me a simple question and I forgot...I FORGOT the details of IVF. It's funny, it wasn't until I started typing this that I realized the last few times people have asked me if twins run in my family at school, I simply answer no. To most of you, you are probably thinking what is the big deal...but it is a huge deal. It is moving on. Yes, it is good to move on...as long as you don't forget were you came from and I will never forget. I am not sure how it happened. I guess I forgave myself. Again, I know that sounds silly, but I am not sure what other word there is to use. Even after having the twins and even Ashley, I somehow thought I was broken and not good enough to be a girl. So much so that I lost confidence with being a wife to Jimmy. I am still working on getting that back. He knows KRISTIN IS CRAZY AND HAS LOTS OF ISSUES and has learned to love all the many side of Kristin...including Crazy Kristin and Pissy Krissy!! I am working on the hair issue..don't look to close if you never noticed...and if you have...I know it there:)!!!!
I am not sure if it turning 31 in a few weeks or what, but in the last 3 month or so I feel like I have changed a lot. I have respect for things I never really thought about in the past. My cares and worries have changed. I feel like I do not have time for bad/mean people in my life. Not that I am looking through rose colored glasses, it is just, life is too short to be someone you are not and to surrond yourself with people who will not let you be comfortable in your own skin.
I am not sure were this post came from, but I know all of you GREAT friends out there reading this know I am crazy and understand where this is coming from.
I am Kristin...a GIRL with some girly issues that led to several other issues (hair, lack of producing mature eggs etc), it is part of who I am. It no longer defines me, but it is me. I think I have learned more about myself (and GOD...let's not forget God, NONE OF THE GOOD IN MY LIFE IS WITHOUT GOD!!!) with the things I like the least about me. They help me to remember to be thankful... that things could be a whole lot worse...that Jimmy and I have a wonderful marriage and an even better friendship and TRUST because of all the crap we went through. I have learned to love my babies a little more, even when they are naughty and I want to give them to the highest bidder:) that I prayed long and hard and worked even harder to get them here. It would not be a good use of my money, time, and pain to "bump them off now!" :)! Also, I have learned nothing a good pair of tweezers can't fix!
Thanks for listening...I promise my next post will be back to happiness and pictures:)!!!!
7 comments:
wow... so honest and real. I know that really came from your heart. I have known you long enough to know that. I know that is what you longed for, and I know that it is not something that can be achieved overnight. But more than that, Kristin, you are being such a real role model to your kids and to your friends. And, what you went through is an inspiration to others who are in that (potential) situation - like me. It makes it all just a little less scary and takes the shame out of it. I can relate to this on many levels! Thank you for being real and honest and an inspiration.
Kristen. It's so good to finally get to know you. I know we went to highschool but aren't we such different people now? It's amazing how we change and grow once we become mothers. How things that once mattered don't matter anymore. We are all crazy in our own ways but you are such a caring and honest person and you should be proud of that and proud of those beautiful babies you worked so hard at having. I never had a problem getting pregnant it was keeping the pregnancy going that was the issue. I ended up having five miscarriages in the ten years I was having babies. God gave me five great kids but it was rough explaining to people that we had lost yet another child. I too have hair issues. Well my mom thinks I do. On Sunday she said she really wanted to pluck my eyebrows. I guess it's time for me to go get those things tamed down. It's amazing how priorities have changed when there are so many kids and distractions around.
It makes me so sad that anyone would make you feel any less than normal for using IFV. Who cares? If someone wants a baby(s), why does it matter how much science is involved? If God didn't want someone to have children, then they wouldn't. period. Not to mention, that all creatures on this earth are here to carry on the species. You're just doing your job! I am happy you have found so much stregnth over the years. We are all growing up. Its an awesome thing.
And I have been friends with you since 1985, and I have always thought you had beautiful hair;)
(more women have this issue than you think)
love ya
Amen to that, sister!
Well said, Jen!
Kristen, I understand the "broken" feeling. I used to think I was not even a real woman, that I couldn't do the basic thing that women do - have babies!
Thank God for great husbands, families and friends to help us through those times.!!
I too have forgotten most of the details of IVF. My best memory is when we were in the room getting ready to do the embryo transfer and a very loopy me says to Dr. Eward, Doug and the male nurse, Lee, "Three men, all wanting to get me pregnant has always been my fantasy." Oh, my goodness, Doug was so embarrased. The doctor and nurse laughed their butts off.
Anyway, girl....since I've know you...all I ever see when I look at you is a beautiful girl with a killer figure and I don't know what the hair issue is, really. I am confused.
Your children are beautiful and I feel a bond with you because we both did invitro and then had a baby the old fashioned way!!
Love ya!!!
Janine :)
Kristin, I know I have never gone through what you went through...and God only knows if i would have been able to handle TWINS!!!(I did wish for them once!!! ONLY ONCE!`my mom is a twin) But as far as not feeling like your good enough at stuff...I have been there...and it is always great to have friends (angels) there to help you along and encourage you, that you are a great parent and a great person...no matter what has happened...my angel is Mandy!!! she hears all the good, the bad and the ubly in my life and encourages me and always tells me I am a GREAT Mom (weather she believes it or not is not the point...it makes me feel better...(just kidding Manders!!!)) So HERE's to you Kristin...you are a GREAT mom and wife and sister and daughter and aunt and friend!!!
hi Kristin :) i'm sorry my responses are slow in coming, but i love reading your blog. everything we go through gives us so much more insight and so much more appreciation for every single, important day in our lives, doesn't it? you have a beautiful family and you are a beautiful, strong woman! it's so real and honest and i'm so inspired by you. i love this post!
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